When Christian Friends Hurt You, What’s Next?
When Christian friends hurt you, the wound opens, closes, and reopens many times. I’ve lived through a bunch of betrayals. Some ripped at my heart like lion’s claws. I was more than naive, thinking somehow a Christian just knows better.
Then, God reminded me that I’d hurt others too as a bonafide Christian. On occasions, my heart laden with iniquity spewed hurtful words out of my mouth. He wanted me to know what it’s like to feel the pain of the betrayed and betrayer.
I remember each betrayal even though I forgave those people long ago. That’s not a bad thing, to hold onto the memories. It’s counterproductive though when you rehearse being a victim.
What I share in this post is not from a lofty tower looking down. No. It’s from a position of strength. To remain a pitiful survivor doesn’t bode well when I know what God wants from me. Christians don’t move from glory to glory without moving alongside God.
So here’s what I’ve learned so far about what to do when Christian friends betray you. Have I mastered what I’ve discovered? Not exactly.
When Christian Friends Hurt You, Know the Signs
When a fellow Christian wrongs you, it’s personal.
For the longest time (15 years to be exact), I shared my faith exclusively with one friend. I thought we were best buds.
There were times when we connected spiritually. Still, a nagging feeling surfaced that she meant more to me than I did to her. The evidence was on the table and I looked the other way.
One day I called her because she needed to visit her parents 7 hours away but had no transportation. I offered to drive her there. She replied, “You know how far it is, don’t you?” I said, “I knew that before I offered.” She responded, “You smarta_ _.” I laughed it off but her words hurt me deeply. I was stating a fact and knew the cost. My offer of love didn’t match her estimation of me as a smart aleck.
When Christian friends hurt you, make sure to take a hard look at the relationship. For instance, she sluffed off invitations to spend time together but she told me about fun events she shared with her friends. Year after year I’d mail or take her birthday presents or call her. During those phone calls, she’d say, “I’m putting your birthday on my calendar right now.” Every year rolled by and she forgot mine.
Other stuff happened to open my eyes. I wanted a close friend so badly, I refused to see the signs staring me in the face. I ended the relationship without saying a word. Did it hurt? You better believe it. Living with a broken heart isn’t fun.
Don’t Carry the Wounds
Genuine believers, including me, are flawed people. The sins we see in others and fail to see in ourselves, Jesus bled for. Even if you want to throw rocks at fellow Christians, you can’t. Here’s a hard scripture to swallow when you’re wallowing in, “Look what they did to me, Jesus.”
Romans 8:1 – Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
I can’t condemn the actions of another Christian because they’re in Christ Jesus. That means whatever any of us as Christians do, Jesus carried it. Whatever you and I do, we then deal with Jesus about it because He’s our Savior.
I’m pretty sure when I bring up another Christian’s sin, He’s going to say, “It is finished.” He may even say, “What’s that to you?” like he did to Peter (see John 21).
When Christian Friends Hurt You, Trust God
When every inch of you wants to retaliate, remember to whom you belong. That’s your position of strength. Never let anything or anyone dismantle the most important relationship you’ll ever have as a Christian—the one you have with God.
In my example of betrayal above, I spent too much time overlooking the offense. That seemed like the Christian thing to do. Actually, it wasn’t. She became an idol in my heart that replaced God. Never at any moment did God indicate that I should confront her about her behavior.
The quiet exit from her life spoke to her spirit. She even wrote to me saying, “I don’t know what I did or didn’t do.” Again, God impressed upon me to remain quiet. In the midst of quietness, I shoveled dirt or completed other physical tasks to rid my heart of anger and resentment. I worked through the healing process to let God restore my soul and tell me what I did wrong.
Christian Response to Hurt Feelings
At about the same time this Christian friend hurt me, two other people seemed to come at me with pitchforks.
Was I oversensitive because of the first betrayal? Maybe God was trying to get a message to me. Was there something else in my heart that needed to go? Would I be able to trust again or even love someone as fully?
Feeling like a victim left me powerless and numb. Actually, that’s not such a bad place to be. I suspected my spiritual condition needed an overhaul. The Christian I presented to the world—of having it all together—was not who I was at that moment. God wasn’t the one I held in the highest regard. For that reason, He lovingly began to tear down my self-made walls of protection.
This was new to me so I crashed hard. Little by little I saw glimpses of a central message from God. Without God, I’m nothing. I felt the nothingness of living life when God wasn’t exactly at the helm. That was the beginning of wisdom.
Dealing with Hurt as a Christian
As I mentioned earlier, staying neutral and feeding yourself a menu of “look what they did” doesn’t help you heal. In some cases, God may want you to address the offense with the person.
For me, I was to forgive and move on but definitely distance myself from the person. It’s important to listen carefully because what you do next can either stall out or improve your relationship with God.
When forgiving a friend who betrayed you, your priority is to not let that betrayal separate you from God.